How to reduce toxic positivity - at home and at work.
This post was originally shared in my semi-frequent Learn Something New(sletter). To never miss info like this, join the party! 🥳
Toxic positivity is all around us. Good vibes only. Positive affirmations. Manifesting. In a world where everything feels pretty… well… crappy, it makes sense that we’d lean toward relentless positivity to attempt to “drown out” the noise that we’re experiencing.
Thanks to Whitney Goodman’s Toxic Positivity we have some ideas on what we’re doing wrong, and, what we could be doing better!
We do it in our personal life, with our friends, our family, our colleagues, our teammates - it’s hard to get away from the language of “cheer up! It could be worse! At least you have ____!”
When has “It could be worse” ever made you feel better when you’re talking about something that’s deeply impacting you?
Not very often I’d guess.
So, what can we do when we’re feeling glum or need support?
Complain more effectively.
And what can we do when someone approaches us and needs support?
Help them in the way they want to be helped.
Wild? Right? It’s almost as if we already know what we need to do, it’s just how to do it.
So let’s dive into some learnings !
Biggest whoa moment: Positive thinking is so attractive because it helps combat our own ingrained desire - to have control over our lives. You get to blame your own brain if things don’t go well - you weren’t thinking big enough! Your affirmations were weak! You didn’t speak your mantra often enough! And in fact, it can be supportive for folks that already bask in the glow of strong self esteem. But, for folks who have lower self-esteem it’s counter productive. The positive affirmations ring false, which can lead to more depression. And, this “hyper-optimism” can carry an additional risk of depression as hyper optimists have been shown to lack preparation when confronted with risk or a difficult situation.
So if your positive affirmations aren’t working for you - you’re not alone. Skip them.
Put it into practice now: We have two tactics to try out - one for yourself, and one for your team.
For yourself: how to complain more effectively - in 8 tips!
Dive deep into the complaint that you are lodging. What is really bothering you? Sometimes it’s not the surface level complaint. But until you know the true frustration, you can’t work through it!
Get clear on the goal. When you’ve got an issue for the suggestion box, take time to think about what you’re trying to get done. Do you need someone to be aware of the problem? Do you want something to change? Are you hunting advice? Do you simply want validation? Whatever your reason is, you need to know.
Choose your audience. Often we complain to the person closest to us. Or we complain to anyone who’ll listen. For a complaint to be effective, you have to select people who will actually support the goal you set in #2. If you want validation - go to people who validate you. If you want advice - who’s advice do you trust on this topic?
Consider the severity. Focusing your complaints also means reducing them. Ask yourself, how will it help to complain about this? How will it not help? Is it worth it to complain about?
Look for connection. Complaints (and gossip!) are currency for connection. We like to find ways to connect with others, and this is one way. If you’re actually needing connection - consider taking that on. Go connect with people (maybe without complaints OR gossip!)
Write it out. Ever heard of the write the angry email and then don’t hit send? Yep. This is it. And it works. Write it. Rip it up. Delete it. Save it for later reading.
Be direct. If we’re going to complain, DO IT. Don’t dally around waiting for someone to try to coax a complaint out of you. Just get it on out.
Let it be separate. There’s an innate need to downplay your issue - there are others in the world who are experiencing very real hardships that we can’t even imagine. That is true. It is also true that you are feeling this right now. Are they equal? It’s less about who deserves to complain more, and more about moving through your complaints (so that you can hopefully do something to support others… maybe?)
For others: how to support your team more effectively in 4 tips!
Skip the groupthink. Most leaders and organizations are focused on having everyone feel like everything is perfect. We have ping pong! Pizza Fridays! How could we be upset! There’s nothing to complain about! In truth, that’s if we were ONE unit. Take time to allow your team to be individuals - with their own needs and desires.
Encourage discussion. By asking, and demonstrating support for fruitful disagreement - you’re already creating a workplace of psychological trust and safety. Teams need to know they’re able to speak up, and that you’ll listen, and, attempt to take action if that’s the right move for everyone. It’ll help them get past a gripe against the pizza on Fridays, and move onto the meaty stuff that needs attention.
Validate their perspective. You don’t have to agree with your team’s issues - they may be unique, they may be something that can’t be changed (Ugh!) - but that doesn’t mean you can’t listen to them with empathy, validate what they’re experiencing, and attempt to truly understand where they’re coming from.
“What do you need from me right now?” As leaders, we want to jump into fix-it mode. Or dismiss-it mode sometimes, too! If you take a moment and stop yourself from trying to down-play an issue, or solve it swiftly, and instead ask, “what do you need from me?” you just may find your initial response isn’t exactly what the person needs. I like to follow this up with: do you need me to just listen? To advise? To solve? → this is a secret tip that also works really well in all relationships.
This was a doozy, wasn’t it?
At the end of the day, good vibes are here to stay, but with a little effort, we can still hold space for the very real not-so-good vibes.
Want to work on this with me? Reach out!
Dive deeper:
Check out her site: sitwithwhit
Read the book: Toxic Positivity
Follow her insta: @sitwithwhit