Setting boundaries is wildly uncomfortable, yet we need them to thrive at work and at home.

Nedra Glover Tawwab’s book, Set Boundaries, Find Peace hit me hard this past holiday season. I read it to put together a newsletter for my crew (subscribe to the Learn Something New(sletter) - shameless plug!), but I had to go even deeper here.

Boundaries, I’d argue, are at the root of a lot of our very human needs. With them, we’re able to thrive. Without them, we’ll slowly diminish our energy and increase our anger and frustration.

So let’s get into it in a few parts.

1. What are boundaries? What are the different types?

2. When do we need boundaries?

3. With who are boundaries important?

4. How do you set a boundary?

5. What are the risks of setting boundaries?

What are boundaries? What are the different types?

Glover Tawwab defines boundaries as:

Boundaries are expectations and needs that help you feel safe and comfortable in your relationships. Expectations in relationships help you stay mentally and emotionally well. Learning when to say no and when to say yes is also an essential part of feeling comfortable when interacting with others.

Simply put, boundaries are how we clearly communicate with others to support both ourselves, and them in the relationship. Often we think of boundaries as being a one-sided wall, when done well, it’s simply a wall with a door. You’re not stopping people from coming in. You’re stopping them from coming in in a way that doesn’t work for you.

There are different types of boundaries, and they may resonate with you at different times:

Porous boundaries - loose boundaries, poorly expressed, that are easily violated. Think of it as when you tell yourself that you’re going to bed early and find yourself scrolling at 2am. Every night. It’s the boundaries that we have a hard time upholding with ourselves and others. Or when you tell a family member you won’t lend them money… but you do… every time they ask.

Rigid boundaries - these boundaries are so rigid that there’s no space in them. They’re communicated aggressively, or you completely shut people out. Think of that wall we built but with no doors, and only barbed wire at the top.

Healthy boundaries - think goldilocks. These are boundaries that are deeply considered, well communicated and upheld. They’re when you’re clear on your values, share them externally respectfully and then follow them. That’s the goal.

When do we need boundaries?

We need boundaries in general to support our own health. If you’re feeling overwhelmed, resentment towards others, avoiding people, feeling burnt out or don’t have time for the things you want to do… it’s likely you need to set some boundaries with those around you - and maybe even yourself.

Boundaries are at the root of how we think about our relationships with other people, work, how we handle our own time, how we take care of ourselves.

We need boundaries when we’re feeling drained, running on empty, or feeling disrespected.

If you’re noticing that you don’t have any time for you, or you’re annoyed/angry/mad at everyone around you… it might be a boundary issue.

With who are boundaries important?

I love this one. In truth?

We need boundaries with everyone that it’s necessary. Here are some spaces you may consider the need for boundary setting:

Romantic partners - if you’re not communicating your desires clearly, your potential or current partners won’t be able to connect with you clearly. To have a strong relationship, we need to clearly communicate what we want, to have space and time for ourselves, and to be able to take care of ourselves, and then partner together.

Family - so frikkin’ tricky. Family is a wild thing. It’s deeply rooted in cultural components, how you were raised, treated, how you feel now. You may need boundaries around your time, energy, finances, access to your children. Etc. Etc. Etc. The list is never ending here - and it’s one of the most complicated spaces to set boundaries because it’s wrapped up in who we are, deeply.

Friends - we want to be surrounded be people who love and adore us, and those that we love and adore. But sometimes, a friend isn’t good for us. Sometimes a friend is an energy drain and we need to set our own limitations in order to continue being friends.

Finances - I love adding this one in, because money is a hard topic for all of us. You may find that your desire for money, your desire for more, or the way that you spend has connective tissues to other things within you. Setting boundaries with how you make, save, and spend can help you feel more control and pleasure.

Work & colleagues - we’re going to work for a long time. If work is sucking you dry, or your colleagues are making you scream… it’s time for boundaries. We can’t give everything to work. What’s left for you at the end of the day?

Yourself - whaaat. I know right?! Inception. But yes, sometimes we need to set boundaries with ourselves to support our inner goals. That may look like reducing social media, increasing exercise, talking to ourselves more nicely… it’ll be fun.

So, yeah. Everyone and everything.

How do you set a boundary?

The act of setting a boundary itself is quite simple. The hard part is everything around setting the boundary. Here’s my twist on the steps to boundary setting (heavily leveraging the learnings from the book):

1. Recognize a boundary is required: Whether it’s with work, family, friends, you need to be aware when you require boundaries. Some indicators? You’re feeling burnt out, frustrated, complaining frequently, have no time for yourself or your own desires, or feel like you’re giving nonstop but not receiving. At work, if you’re consistently there late, skipping plans with friends, and aren’t feeling recognized… You may need to set some boundaries!

2. Consider what you need: Before you can set a boundary, think about what you want. What would the ideal outcome look like? What do you need from the boundary? Do you need to be able to leave work at a certain time several days a week in order to go to the gym, run errands, see friends? Do you need your leadership team to respect your PTO? Whatever it is, think about what good looks like.

3. Get comfortable with the discomfort: We don’t like to set boundaries. We’d rather the people just “get it.” If you’re nervous or concerned that setting this boundary is going to result in pushback - focus on what it looks like if you don’t set the boundary. We cannot control for other people’s responses, but we can take the time to protect ourselves and our energy.

4. Communicate the boundary, clearly: This looks like directly having a conversation with the individuals at hand. You want to communicate what the boundary is, and what you want it to look like. I.e. “I will not be working past 6pm on Tuesdays and Thursdays, in the future, please ensure that you prioritize accordingly.” This lets them know exactly what you’ll be doing, and what you need from them to follow it. Hot tip: Do not apologize for setting a boundary. Do not deliver additional information. It’s not required. They do not need to know why you’re leaving at 6 twice a week. 

5. Uphold and maintain the boundary: This is the trickiest part. Once we set a boundary, people push back. They may try to bargain, manipulate, cajole, ignore, dismiss, get defensive. People dislike boundaries. It’s up to you to keep upholding the boundary. There may be a day that you do stay after 6. Sometimes a boundary needs to shift for a specific moment in time - and that’s when we need to communicate it is a violation and then continue to uphold the boundary in the future.

It’s straight forward, right? Yet it’s incredibly hard to take these steps. It’s ridiculously difficult to realize we need to set a boundary, to decide what the limits are, to communicate them and uphold them. 

We want to please people.

But if we’re so busy pleasing other people, when do we get to please ourselves?

We avoid setting boundaries to “play nice.”

Playing nice doesn’t help when you’re exhausted, burnt out and have no time for yourself.

What are the risks of setting boundaries?

Ultimately, people don’t like boundaries. “Remember that people benefit from you not having limits,” Glover Tawwab notes.

The risk is that you’ll upset someone.

The upside is that you’ll be able to protect yourself in the long run in order to maintain a healthier relationship with someone.

People are going to get defensive, angry, aggressive, dissmissive, manipulative, cajoling, all that good stuff.

Some may try to pushback on your boundary, try to get you to defend yourself.

Some may ignore it completely and do what they want.

Some may cut you out completely.

But at the end of the day, what’s the greater risk?

I’d argue it’s living a life without boundaries that results in your losing yourself in the process and getting angrier/more tired/more disconnected from your own values and needs… That sounds pretty tough.

Happy to talk more.

Dive even deeper:

Read the book yourself: Set Boundaries, Find Peace
Try out the practice workbook: The Set Boundaries Workbook: Practical Exercises for Understanding Your Needs and Setting Healthy Limits
Follow her on IG: @nedratawwab