15 Ideas for Goal-Setting That’ll Build You Up, Not Tear You Down

We start each year with big dreams and wild intentions, and then quickly fall mercy to the reality that is ourselves, our lives and our capacity.

The second Friday of January is called Quitters Day. It’s the day that we’ve already given up on our resolutions.

That doesn’t mean we’re weak.

It means we’re lacking thoughtful actions around goal setting in ways that support us. Most of us set goals, never meet them, and then beat ourselves up for not meeting them.

Let’s be a little gentler to ourselves.

The benefit of goal-setting is that it gives us directional value setting. It helps us move to a driver mode over reactor mode.

However, if we set goals in a way that is out of alignment with who we are as people, it simply results in feeling angry, frustrated, overwhelmed, disillusioned… [insert additional negative emotions you’ve felt about this in the past!]

So let’s re-write it!

Here are some ideas for goal-setting that may make it easier, more reasonable, possibly even… fun?!

#1: Stop Setting Goals

Did that give you a feeling of relief? Guess what! You don’t have to set goals! You might at work for your professional development and performance, or for KPIs to measure your team’s success, but in reality, if setting goals makes your brain bleed… skip it. There’s no need. As long as you’re feeling generally okay… we’re okay! WE DON’T NEED TO SET GOALS TO BE AWESOME. I like to set goals, you may not. That’s okay. Do what works for you, not someone else.

#2: Learn your Goal-Setting Style

Now if you’re screaming because you like to set goals and are beating yourself up for messing up all the time, then take a moment to think about the last goal you set and met. Or even if you didn’t meet it, you felt satisfied, proud or comforted by the goal. What’s your goal-setting style? Do you like massive google-type “moonshot” goals? I.e. they’re so big it’s like shooting for the moon and landing in the stars so it’s all gravy? Do you like to underpromise and overdeliver to yourself on your goals? Or are you camp goldilocks - you like your goals to dance the tension between totally achievable and slightly uncomfortable? Knowing what type of goals get you feeling fired up and good is essential!

#3: Shorten Timelines

The most dangerous goals are ones that are six months out. Why? Because six months feels like SO much time, and yet it goes by wildly quickly. We feel like we have all the time in the world to get it done that we could certainly start, tomorrow. So instead, shorten the timeline. Right size the goal to a three month target, or better yet, a one-month target! Maybe even one week! Making the timeline tighter can bring the goal into perspective

#4: Protect Your Time

Time is a fickle thing, we never have enough of it. We never have enough time. We believe we’ll always have more time next week when xyz slows down. Spoiler, it won’t. So instead, protect your time like your goal depends on it, because, well, it does! If you don’t make time for the goal a priority, it will be an afterthought. That might looks like blocking your calendar, telling your partner your goal and schedule, signing up for a class, etc.

#5: Swap Goals & Resolutions for Systems & Habits

James Clear, Atomic Habits would tell you to drop goals etc because they’re binary - you either meet it or you don’t. I.e. I want to lose ten pounds. If you shift over to systems, supporting habits, etc: it has a very different flavor: I.e. I want to focus on my health this year. Each day you get to align with the identity of someone healthy. What systems would they put in place to support themselves? What habits would they build? Consider how your goals could be identity traits rather than a singular moment in time.

#6: Battle Arrival Fallacy

Arrival Fallacy is the idea that you’ll be perfect, ideal once you meet some specific target goal. Made a certain amount of money, level of leadership, moved somewhere, met some life stage, whatever. In reality, most of the time once you get there, it doesn’t feel any better! We thought getting that MBA or new job would make all the difference! Crossing that threshold was going to change our lives! In reality, we are always moving the goal-posts on what is “good enough.” Knowing that enough could be a great protector of your heart. Some other options is to focus on enjoying the process over the outcome, and celebrating your learnings.

#7: Celebrate!

Speaking of Arrival Fallacy - meeting our goals isn’t that much fun if we simply turn around and keep going! Take time to pause and celebrate each step as you go. That could look like celebrating making it past something hard like your first workout after a long break with a delicious smoothie, or, signing up for a writing class after you spent an entire month writing.

#8: Process versus Outcome

If your goals are tied to specific outcomes outside of your control, you’re cruising for a bruising. Rather than setting the goal of: get a new job! (outcome-based goal), consider setting goals that focus on the process that you can control, such as: work with a resume writer, reach out to 10 contacts each week for networking conversations, spend 10 minutes on LinkedIn each day searching for new roles, etc.

#9: Identity Tying

Speaking of habits and systems, James Clear’s biggest revelation in Atomic Habits was about identity shifts. Rather than setting goals to lose weight, set your intention on the identity you’re adopting. "I’m a healthy person” creates a cascade of choices that push you towards health versus calorie counting and treadmills. This could look like, “I’m a leader” or “I’m a great networker” -> name the identity you’re closing in on, and then make choices, habits and goals from that angle.

#10: See Self-sabotage as Information

Two years ago I set a big goal. I wanted to create an entirely online course for career coaching. I’d package up all my learnings that I repeat, the different tactics that break people’s brains but seem commonplace to me, and share it in bitesize chunks via an online platform. I’d be scaling! We’d meet the masses! I’d free up time! This is the way! Instagram influencers and business coaches told me! And then… I didn’t do it. It kept getting put on the backburner. It just… wasn’t happening. And I couldn’t figure it out. I had all the materials. I had developed the curriculum. I knew exactly what to do. I was self-sabotaging! I was in my own way! Well, sometimes that is the case. But in this instance, the self-sabotage was actually telling me that my heart wasn’t in it. I don’t like self-guided online education systems. I love working one on one with clients. I didn’t want to build it. So I didn’t. Sometimes our self-sabotage, avoidance, etc, is information. Maybe that goal isn’t actually aligned with your values, but someone else’s. Think about it!

#11: Accountability Helps

Getting up at 5am to run sucks. Getting up at 5am to go meet your friend to work out kicks your ass right out of bed. Consider an accountability buddy or metric to help you meet your goal. That could be a class, a person, a coach, someone who knows what you’re working towards and can help you get there!

#12: Drop the All-or-Nothing

Easier said than done! I spoke with a client the other day who said, I’m working so hard to meditate, but I only manage to do it for a few minutes five times a week - and I skipped the last week of December! I responded, “well, you might say you’re trying to hard to meditate but you just told me you manage to mediate more days than you don’t. No one can do everything perfectly every single day. You’re someone who meditates!” We don’t have to do the same exact thing each day to be pure and perfect. We’re just trying!

#13: Done is Better than Perfect

MVP is better than NVP (as in, there’s nothing there!) My brain loves to snowball into all the what-ifs, but, having something on the page, a few miles under our feet, a single crappy workout, or 10 minutes of reading is better than not doing anything because we’re scared it won’t be perfect. So go ahead, send the email. It’s unlikely to ruin you.

#14: Say it OUT LOUD

Have you heard the phrase around keep it private, don’t shout it out until you’ve done the damn thing? That’s bullshit. Now, I’m not saying you need to tell every single person that you’ve signed up to run a marathon. That’s silly. BUT. There’s power in voicing an intention. You don’t have to tell the whole world and be scared that if you don’t make it you’ll have to hide in the corner and admit defeat. Instead, choose the space, people, or metric to be PROUD of what you’re working towards this year. Gather that peanut gallery of support!

#15: GO FAIL

We set goals and we don’t always meet them. We beat ourselves up. But there’s magic in testing, making mistakes, and failing. So go ahead and set some experiments that feel a little risky, a little wild, but are thoughtful and measurable. You don’t have to to everything perfectly! Failing can be wonderful, incredibly helpful information. When you think about success stories, they’re coupled with failure. So go ahead and set goals, and go fail a bit. That’s a okay friend.

Looking to partner with someone who will push you, partner with you and help you learn from your failures and wins?!