Working with people is always going to be messy - here’s what to do about it

Have you had the experience that you come home and all you want to do is to complain about Susan from work?

You’re not alone. Often we downplay the frustrations and difficulty of working with tricky or anger-inducing coworkers. In fact, they truly have a massive impact on our wellbeing and happiness. From Amy Gallo’s Getting Along: How to Work with Anyone (Even Difficult People):

Social connections are a predictor of cognitive functioning, resilience, and engagement. We know that teams of friends perform better, that people with supportive coworkers report less stress, that being close with colleagues increases information- and idea-sharing, self-confidence, and learning, and that workers in mundane jobs are just as likely to feel satisfied and fulfilled as those with inspiring jobs if they invest in social connections.

Dang, those​ bffs at work are making all the difference​!

Working somewhere that doesn't feel hunky dory? The results, are not good. Christine Porath who wrote Mastering Civility found that of folks who have been mistreated: 48% intentionally decrease their work effort, 66% said their performance declined, and 12% said they left their job.

So, if you've been frustrated with the people at work, know that it's impact is massive. And if you're playing the avoidance game, 63% of folks admitted losing work time trying to avoid the offender. Hiding in the bathroom might not be working out so well.

Work is stressful. Working with people? It’s a whole different beast.

Thankfully, Amy Gallo has some great ideas about what to do. From her book, let’s cover the eight archetypes of difficult people you’ll work with - and what to do with them, the nine principles on how to get along with with anyone, and some tips on how to take care of yourself.

What we’ll be including here:

• Why is it so important to sort out how to work with people?

• The eight archetypes of the difficult people we work with

• What to do with each archetype

• The nine principles of how to get along with anyone

• How to take care of yourself, too

Let’s do this!

Why is it so important to sort out how to work with people?

The Business of Friendship by Shasta Nelson shares via Gallo:

All the studies show that liking whom we work with is one of the most significant predictors of our engagement, retention, safety, and productivity…There isn’t a single study that shows we perform better, or happier, without friends at work.

At the end of the day, who we work with makes a massive impact on how we live our lives. We’re spending more time at work. (Almost an entire extra month’s work of hours more!)

So how we’re spending our day - and with whom - is going to change how we perform, how we feel, how we succeed.

What about when we don’t like who we work with? Read on friends.

The eight archetypes of the difficult people we work with

Porath found that 98% of people have experienced rude behavior at work. If we’re working, we’re dealing with people. And not great people. Gallo sums up our folks into eight archetypes or characters.

Important note! If you recognize any of these qualities, Gallo cautions “labeling” someone as this type of person. Labeling them makes it more difficult for your brain to understand that they can change, that this can shift.

The Archetypes

• The insecure boss

• The pessimist

• The victim

• The passive-aggressive peer

• The know-it-all

• The tormentor (who you’d hoped would be a mentor)

• The biased coworker

• The political operator

Already recognizing your Susan? You may want to jump ahead to that section, otherwise, enjoy taking a quick look through them all.

Gallo’s book outlines in much, much more detail the underlying behaviors behind each of these characters, where their actions may stem from, how they make decisions - I highly recommend reading it! But, for a quick hit. I got you.

What to do with each archetype

Gallo shares details around what this archetype looks like, with great anecdotes and stories, there are detailed psychological components, great stats, etc. For the purposes here, I’m simply going to pull out a quick description, some questions to ask yourself to orient your thoughts towards empathy and understanding, and a handful of tactics to try. The book goes a step further with word-for-word things to say (ranging from gentle to direct), so hop in there for more.

Let’s go.

The insecure boss

Who are they: They’re overly concerned about what people think of them, have difficulty making decisions, and are super controlling
Primetime example: Amy Poehler’s in Mean Girls, “I’m not your regular mom, I’m a cool mom!”
Questions to ask yourself to gain clarity:

• What evidence do I have that my boss is insecure? Could I be wrong?

• Is the insecurity causing a problem? If so, what is the negative impact?

• Am I feeding the insecurity?

Tactics to try:

• Help them achieve their goals - be a team player

• Restore their sense of control - find ways to make them have space to be in charge

• Signal that you’re not a threat - clarify that they’re your superior and you’re following their lead

The pessimist

Who are they: They feel a lack of agency, have a negative outlook on most things and appear defeatist
Primetime example: Eeyore
Questions to ask yourself to gain clarity:

• What are the possible sources of their pessimism?

• Are their concerns legitimate?

• Which of their behaviors are problematic?

Tactics to try:

• Reframe the cynicism as a gift - we need people to keep an eye out for potential dangers

• Help them understand when the pessimism helps (or hurts) - sometimes we can shift our approach if we know it’s making things even worse

• Challenge their assumptions - make clear that you agree with their pessimism and yet also believe we can find a path forward

The victim

Who are they: Every conversation is centered on their problems, they play the “poor me” card, and feel the world is out to get them
Primetime example: Carrie Bradshaw - please don’t come for me
Questions to ask yourself to gain clarity:

• Are they truly a victim? Are they being targeted?

• What triggers their victim attitude?

Tactics to try:

• Encourage them to take responsibility - give them ways to find their own agency

• Turn their focus to helping others - take the spotlight off them

• Protect yourself - a victim loves to place blame, ensure it’s not on you

The passive-aggressive peer

Who are they: They are acting out of accordance with regular actions - usually in a time of uncertainty, or a want to be liked/valued/desired
Primetime example: Tony Soprano’s mom
Questions to ask yourself to gain clarity:

• Is the behavior about you, or something else?

• Are they intentionally trying to hurt you?

• Are past experiences with this peer coloring present experiences?

Tactics to try:

• Focus on the content, not the delivery - let them be rude or odd, listen for the rela information past the narrative

• Make direct requests - don’t respond to passive with passive

• Don’t take the bait in email or text - they’ll try to irk you, find calm before responding

The know-it-all

Who are they: They’re overconfident, taking up space, annoyingly loud
Primetime example: Amy Santiago from Brooklyn Nine-Nine
Questions to ask yourself to gain clarity:

• Is the behavior causing real issues, or just annoying you/ the team?

• Is the confidence warranted and they’re actually that good?

• Is bias playing a role in how you’re responding to their actions?

Tactics to try:

• Ask for facts and data - super helpful for the storytellers

• Model humility and an open mind - demonstrate you also can change your appraoch and mind

• Set norms and preempt interruptions - clearly state when questions or interjections can occur when you’re presenting or speaking

The tormentor (who you’d hoped would be a mentor)

Who are they: You thought they’d be amazing to work for, but instead they want you to suffer what they went through
Primetime example:  Meryl Streep for Devil Wears Prada
Questions to ask yourself to gain clarity:

• What else is going on with them?

• Is the organization supporting this type of behavior and actions?

• Does your colleague think they’re helping? Are they helping?

Tactics to try:

• Encourage their empathy by acknowledging what they went through and how hard it was

• Shift the balance of power - you don’t have to give into unhealthy competition, or let the hazing occur - highlight that they actually need you and your skills to succeed

• Bolster your confidence - this can wreak havoc on how you see yourself - keep track of your own wins

The biased coworker

Who are they: They might be overtly - or less overtly, biased. Gallo offers additional resources and readings to get even more information since as a white woman (me too) the biases are more complex and nuanced in the way they show up as microaggressions versus outright bias
Primetime example: Marty Adler in Partner Track
Questions to ask yourself to gain clarity:

• Were you the target, or did you witness it?

• What are the risks of speaking up (and what are the risks of NOT speaking up)?

• Does company culture encourage speaking up?

Tactics to try:

• Play clueless - “what did you mean by that?” can work wonders

• Share information rather than opinions - I read this study that said XYZ, do you think that could be at play here?

• Foster a growth mindset - anticipating defensiveness and recognizing that growth can be uncomfortable, challenging or difficult for them (and for you)

The political operator

Who are they: They brag about their successes, hoard information, gossip and spread rumors, push their own agenda, and will purposely undermine folks around them
Primetime example: Dwight Shrute
Questions to ask yourself to gain clarity:

• Which behaviors are problematic? And do we need to act on this?

• What do the people in power care about? Do they encourage this?

• Should you be playing office politics more? Spoiler, probably yes, unfortunately - all offices are political, that’s part of the office

Tactics to try:

• Ask for advice - they’ll love helping you and feel invested in your success

• Make your good work known to others without waiting for them

• Be wary - if they’re taking you into their confidence, keep your guard up

The nine principles of how to get along with anyone

1. Focus on what you can control - there's so much power in thinking through what is in your court to handle

2. Remember your perspective is just one perspective - there are more sides to each story

3. Be aware of your biases - I've got bad news if you don't think you have any... you probably have even more than you realize!

4. Don't make it "me against them" - polarity is the enemy of compromise and finding a way forward

5. Rely on empathy to see things differently - thinking through the other side can make all the difference

6. Know your goal - it's easy to get caught up in the drama if you don't know what you're trying to get done

7. Avoid gossip, mostly - asking for insights is one thing, but talking smack, well, that's another

8. Experiment to find what works - give yourself mini challenges to see how it can help your interactions

9. Be - and stay - curious - this is the best one across the board, get that brain elastic!

How to take care of yourself, too

That was a lot. So what can you do for yourself? Gallo offers a bit here, too:

• Control what’s controllable, leave the others

• Vent - productively

• Have a life outside of work - Those who reported thriving in nonwork activities also reported 80 percent better health, 89 percent greater thriving at work, ad 38 percent more satisfaction with their handling of mistreatment from their colleagues.

• Cultivate interpersonal resilience

• Have self-compassion

• Emotionally disengage

Good luck. And if you’re stressing in this space… reach out.