We’re terrible at giving advice. Try this instead.
This post was originally shared in my semi-frequent Learn Something New(sletter). To never miss info like this, join the party! 🥳
We’re in the holiday season, which means we’re likely traveling, spending time with family, dealing with the dread that is performance reviews… all that good stuff.
And you may have noticed, there’s a lot of advice running through the air.
Not helpful advice.
Just noisy advice.
You may even be the culprit. (Spoiler, you’re a culprit.)
To handle the smattering of non-stop advice dolling and receiving at this time of year, I’m sharing learnings from one of my favorite Ted Talks by Michael Bungay Stanier, “How to Tame your Advice Monster”
And if you’re shaking your head, because this doesn’t apply to you, because you actually give fantastic advice… then I have shit news for you.
This is double-time for you.
Your advice isn’t that good.
Mine isn’t. (I sadly lament after years of attempting to know every damn thing - and truthfully, still do… all the time. Really, all the time. Just ask my family and friends. But I’m working on taming that advice monster.)
Michael notes, “The problem isn’t with advice, the problem is when giving advice becomes our default response.”
Does that burn a bit? It does for me.
Advice giving can become a habit.
Biggest whoa moment: When you’re giving that great advice, you’re actually running into three main issues:
You’re likely attempting to solve the wrong problem. It’s rare that we have the right information and context, or even understanding of the true issue to deliver supportive advice.
Your advice is not as good as you think it is. Michael notes this is especially true if you personally believe you give great advice. It’s not. You’re not giving great advice.
You’re implying that the other person doesn’t have the capacity to solve their own problems. Ultimately, you’re placing yourself in a space of saving-the-day, and directly, or indirectly assuming the individual in front of you can’t handle it.
Why does this happen?
We want to add value.
We’re so focused on adding value that we’re running around trying to tell people what to do (we know the answer!), trying to save them from themselves (we can help!), trying to control outcomes (this is the right way!) all in a desire to make sure that we’re at the center of the story.
That’s too much responsibility.
To carry the right, most perfect, more correct answers, for everyone, all the time, everywhere.
So what can we do instead?
Put it into practice: Stay curious. Longer.
The next time someone comes to you with a challenge (and you can even try this out yourself with a challenge you’re currently facing) try asking these questions:
What’s the real challenge here for you? Often we’re arriving asking advice around an outcome, not an input. Sometimes we aren’t even sure what we’re really trying to accomplish.
And what else is the challenge? Keep going. Repeat question 2 until you have deep clarity around what is the real issue. You may even revisit question 1 to reevaluate if you truly have landed on the true challenge.
What do you want? Now that both you, and they, are clear on the very real challenge, it’s time to give it back to them. What do they want? Give them the time and space to create their own action plan and next steps.
They likely have the right answer to the right challenge, themselves.
If this felt wild, you also got a little taste of what it feels like to be coached.
It’s less about advice, validation, and accountability.
It’s about creating a time and space to deep dive into the real challenges, and find your solutions to them.
Because your solutions are amazing.
Want to learn more and see it in action?
Dive deeper:
Listen to the Ted Talk: How to Tame your Advice Monster
Read his book: The Advice Trap: Be Humble, Stay Curious & Change the Way You Lead Forever