Want to be an epic leader? Do this first.

I was on a coaching call the other day and my client was reminiscing about a direct report shifting into their first time leading a program. They had asked them, “what’s the most important thing to first establish yourself as a leader?”

Their report shared all kinds of thoughts: clear communication, executive presence, a shared vision, delivering feedback consistently, creating a space of psychological safety…”

Great answers, right? 

Big red buzzer sound.

The most important thing to do first if you want to be an epic leader?

Handle your shit.

The hardest part about navigating transitions like establishing yourself as a leader, starting a new job, launching your company, shifting into a new industry, going back to school… is the internal stuff. This is why I do what I do.

So, today, we’re going to talk about Emotional Agility by Susan David. This book ultimately pulls a lot of interesting thoughts around avoiding getting “hooked” by your emotions and being swept away. A huge component here is how to “step out” of your emotional response, note it, and then make informed, thoughtful decisions.

It’s essential to handle your internal before we go external, eh?

So let’s dive in!

Biggest whoa moment: My favorite quote in the entire book is “Who’s in charge - the thinker or the thought.” Damn.

So often a simple fact, “I’m working on a newsletter.” Can shift into a spiral of emotions that are debilitating: I’m working on a newsletter > This newsletter is tricky to write > Is this even going to be helpful? > Who is even going to read this frikkin newsletter? > What’s the point of a newsletter? > I’m not good at writing compelling newsletters that engage people! > Other people write a newsletter weekly to a massive subscriber base - I’m behind! > I’m a trash writer who doesn’t write consistently enough and no one will read this and everyone is going to forget what I do.

Well, that escalated quite quickly from something as simple as, I’m writing a newsletter.

David doesn’t recommend we ignore all of our feelings, in fact, she notes those negative feelings are quite useful, and, we should acknowledge all feelings - it’s about not getting caught up in the feelings.

Want to get in your feels?

No?

Good.

You’re gonna hate this one.

Put it into practice now. David introduces James W. Pennebaker’s exercise for getting into the feels. The steps are as follows:

Step 1: Set a timer (she says 20 minutes, that makes me tired, so I’ll allow 5 minutes to start)

Step 2: Get a fresh page, either physical or digital

Step 3: Write about your feelings from the last week/month/year. No punctuation, no rules, no rereading - no one else is reading it - you don’t have to explain anything

Step 4: Repeat for a few days

Step 5: Burn them

I mean, she says to just throw them out but I feel like tossing the papers to the flames will feel quite cathartic. Rinse and repeat, do as needed.

It is more often than not we hang out inside our ruminating brain, and there’s impressive value in being forced to express the tricky brain to the page. Or to our therapist, loved one, or coach (hi hello!)

It’s a big shift to create time and space and structure to get your feels out.

And then, you can work with it.

Wanting to work on your feels? You know what to do! 

Dive deeper:

Read the book yourself: Emotional Agility: Get Unstuck, Embrace Change, and Thrive in Work and Life

Follow her on LinkedIn: Susan David PhD

Watch the Ted Talk: The gift and power of emotional courage