Perfectionism is a super power
I wrapped up Katherine Morgan Schafler’s The Perfectionist's Guide to Losing Control: A Path to Peace and Power, and boy oh boy do I have things to share with you.
I read this over two stints this summer thanks to libby holds expiring before I could truly commit to the learnings. Truthfully, as someone who does, and doesn’t, see themselves as a perfectionist it was a thin line to walk between informative/enlightening, and frustrating/shameful to experience.
Let’s skip those feelings a bit and I’ll serve up some learnings. Check it out!
What is the definition of perfectionism?
What are the “5 Types” of perfectionists according to Schafler?
How can we battle our perfectionism, effectively?
What is the definition of perfectionism?
Perfectionism is defined by the American Psychological Association as
“the tendency to demand of others or of oneself an extremely high or even flawless level of performance, in excess of what is required by the situation. It is associated with depression, anxiety, eating disorders, and other mental health problems”
Morgan Schafler adds some additional context, “Perfectionists are people who consistently notice the difference between an ideal and a reality, and who strive to maintain a high degree of personal accountability.”
An interesting note she makes is how perfectionism isn’t defined as a negative thing when it’s adaptive, as in, when it’s helping you and you’re still in control. The danger is when perfectionism becomes maladaptive - it’s impacting your relationship with yourself or others, placing unnecessary hardship or frustrations.
At the root, perfectionism simply means having high standards that you hold yourself, or others to. The danger is when those high standards are too high, or, when not meeting them tosses you into a tailspin that can’t be maintained.
When perfectionism is leveraged as a tool to have big growth goals, dreams and desires - alongside the means to make it happen? It’s a characteristic of a high-performer! Yet when it’s impacting us from taking a step for fear of making an error, or, when we’re so angry we’re lashing out at anyone who doesn’t conform- suddenly it’s often coupled with other mental health issues such as anxiety and depression.
From Morgan Schafler: “adaptive perfectionism is associated with a bevy of benefits, including higher self-regard, higher levels of work engagement and psychological well-being, and lower levels of perceived personal failure. As opposed to engaging in negative coping styles like ruminating or avoiding conflict, adaptive perfectionists take problem-focused and solution-oriented approaches to stress. Compared to their maladaptive counterparts, adaptive perfectionists demonstrate higher levels of motivation to achieve goals; they also worry less and are more optimistic when thinking about future performance.”
Doesn’t sound so bad, eh?
If you’re still wondering if you are a perfectionist, read on to learn about the 5 types - I was surprised to recognize myself in an unexpected one!
What are the “5 Types” of perfectionists according to Morgan Schafler?
Therapist Katherine Morgan Schafler shares 5 types, and notes, you may be a mix, or sometimes certain ones show up for certain tasks or details. FUN!
Let’s jump right into them only using New Girls and Parks and Rec as references:
Intense Perfectionist - wants to succeed no matter what (or who) gets in their way. They’re so caught up in doing things well they can forget about the world around them. Think Leslie Knope from Parks and Rec.
Classic Perfectionist - is perfectly composed and tidy. They’re so focused on making everything appear just right that they avoid risks or messiness - missing out on some fun. Think Reagan (Megan Fox) from New Girl.
Parisian Perfectionist - the perfect people pleaser. They’re so deeply desiring to be liked that they can lose their sense of self and identity while deferring to the group. Think Jess Day from New Girl.
Procrastinator Perfectionist - waiting for the right moment to begin. They’re fearful of starting when they’re not fully ready that sometimes they don’t get started at all! Think Nick Miller from New Girl waiting to write his novel!
Messy Perfectionist - they’ll kick it off - but can’t finish it up. The idea of beginning is enthralling and exciting, but, getting in the details when the glow of new wears off is hard to maintain. Think Tom from Parks and Rec.
Which one(s) are you? Most of us are some sort of mix!
Want to try a quiz to find out? NPR has one! It’s fun! I’m a mixture of three, can you guess which ones?!
How can we battle our perfectionism, effectively?
Before I dive into some of the options and ideas around battling perfectionism, it’s important to understand that Morgan Schafler isn’t talking about maladaptive perfectionism. Those of us who are feeling perfectionism so intensely that we’re having a difficult time with our lives should look for additional support.
But for those of us who may fit one or more of the archetypes above and are feeling held back by the persona - there are some ideas for you. And, you’re likely not to love most of them!
Since so much of perfectionism is tied with having high standards, desire for growth, constantly moving and grooving… it’s hard to consider some of these.
Much of this work is recognizing the perfection paradox: that you would like to become perfect, but you are also already perfect. If you have adaptive perfectionism - you hold both of those statements to be true. You are already lovely, and yet, you can also want more! When we’re in a maladaptive state it feels impossible to hold both true. In fact, they both feel untrue!
My advice, choose a couple, try them on!
Success mindset - are you driven by success, or, by the avoidance of failure? It’s important to understand if you’re pushing yourself to win, or, if you’re pushing yourself because you never want to fail. Paying attention to this mindset will help you understand when the perfectionism is helping you achieve greatness versus when it’s trying to control for every possible failure
Go fail - J. Watson said, “If you want to increase your success rate, double your failure rate.” Sorry friends, but we have to try stuff to get better! This directly tied to having a growth mindset which will make you stronger! Promise.
Inner critic negotiations - we all have a very loud inner critic who is highly opinionated and quite rude. Adaptive perfectionists are better at chatting with their inner critic, demonstrating compassion and working with that inner voice to move forward.
Recognize self-punishment - perfectionists beat themselves up in supremely unhelpful ways. Learn to recognized when you’re doing it. It may look like ruminating on how much better the ideal version of yourself is, disassociating while going through your to-dos, endless people-pleasing and decentering yourself, withdrawing from everyone around them, potentially attacking or ignoring the people or projects they adore. The self-punishment doesn’t make you better. It makes you feel worse and stay in the dark.
Broaden-and-build - Dr. Barbara L. Frederickson pioneered this concept. Simply put - when you’re in a positive state, things seem to be on the up and up. When you’re in a negative state, everything feels terrible. So shift into thinking about expansive opportunities that help you feel positive - spending time with friends, achieving small tasks, taking a walk after lunch. It’ll help you continue to look on the bright side.
Practice self-compassion - Kristen Neff is the queen of this. We need to acknowledge that we can make mistakes, and still be capable and strong and a good person! Ugh. I know.
Celebrate the wins - especially celebrating the process, not just the outcomes. This is essential to ensure that you can keep going when the going gets tough. It’s not always about the extrinsic values. What can you celebrate today?
Go fact-finding - recognizing when you’re thinking and feeling, because, well, “feelings aren’t facts” - we get caught up in the stories we tell ourselves, rather than removing emotions and stories and hone in on the truths.
Decompress - allowing horizontal time - turning your brain off, merging with the couch cushions. Go ahead and reduce some of the pressures we place on ourselves.
Active relaxation - doing the things that fill your cup, and restore your energy - they’re rarely in the decompress camp of scrolling, more in the spending time with your friends, moving your body, creating, eating good food, etc.
What would you add? What works for you?
At the end of the day, perfectionism can be an incredible tool - as long as we use it as a superpower instead of letting it be our kryptonite!
Want to work on this together? You know what to do.