How to get better at giving (and receiving) feedback

Gift box with pink ribbon with text overlay How to get better at feedback, both giving and receiving, Rikki Goldenberg, Executive Leadership Coach, Career Coach

This post was originally shared in my semi-frequent Learn Something New(sletter). To never miss info like this, join the party! 🥳

We made it through the first month of the year. Congratulations all. Pat yourself on the back. You did it.

January is a time of excitement - the world is new! This is the year we learn how to speak Italian! We're going to get promoted! This is our year! Woo! We're going to do all the things! So many exclamation marks!

Well, now we're here. We're past the fresh snow of the new year and onto the slush of the dirty grey mush that collects at the street corners. (Where are my east coast folks?)

Once we've transitioned from the newness and excitement of trying something new, we shift towards maintenance. Running once is a goal, running every week is the development of a system.

We need to find ways to improve, learn, iterate, continue to challenge ourselves.

If a goal this year for you or anyone on your team is to improve? Everyone will tell you... you need to get feedback. New product idea? Let's get feedback. How's your Italian? Test it out with your nonna. Developing a new system? How are we going to iterate and learn what works?

But here's the kicker.

Feedback at face-value? It's stressful, overwhelming, frustrating. Think back to the last time someone started giving you feedback. Did you start sweating? Want to defend your actions? Shrink into a corner?

So how can we develop the muscle around giving and receiving feedback in a way that it truly feels good?

After all, Carole Robin said "Feedback is a gift." Wouldn't it be great if it felt that way? Exciting, fun to unwrap, enjoyable to toy with, and not too mysterious.

Well, Kim Scott's Radical Candor is here to help.

Biggest whoa moment: It's not as simple as telling people "how it is." How often have you received thoughtful, insightful, and helpful feedback when someone started the sentence with "No offense but..." or "Don't take this personally..." or "I'm just being radically candid so..." I'm guessing what happened after those ellipses wasn't super helpful.

Frequently folks start learning about feedback and they say yes! I'll give everyone feedback! At all times! Trust me, not everyone wants your feedback. In fact, it's likely not helpful when you dole it out left and right. Kristen Bell's therapist told her "honesty without tact is cruelty."

That's huge. Creating a culture of feedback requires so much more than hard-hitting facts, abrasive disclaimers, and aggressive tips. Feedback is a continued loop that is built over time through real human connection, trust, and belief in one another.

So how do we start delivering feedback in a way that is productive, supportive, and helpful?

Put it into practice now:

Here are five ways to up-level your feedback capabilities.

1) You are the guinea pig. If you want to create a space where feedback isn't so scary, it starts with you. Get comfortable with asking for feedback, and, demonstrate resilience by accepting it with grace. Your teammates over time will see that you are open to receiving feedback and they'll start sharing it, unprompted. This is especially effective for managers or team leads. Not only does it open fantastic discussions, it helps your team realize that none of us are perfect.

2) Tailor it to the individual's style. We're all different in how we like to receive feedback. Some of us like to have the feedback in an email, before we meet so that we can review it. Others want to come in cold to have an open discussion. We might be the kind of person that needs mental preparation - if so, let them know when and where they're going to receive feedback. If you aren't sure what works for you or the person you're working with - just ask! They'll appreciate that you're taking the time to ensure the feedback is well-received.

3) Make it about the thing, not the person. Please, please, please - if there's one thing you can take away from this - it's this. One of the reasons it's so hard to give and receive feedback is that people often don't understand how to separate feedback about someone's work versus who they are as a person. This means that we essentially tie our self-worth to our self-work. That's unfair. It's never "you're wrong." It's "that's wrong." (Thanks Kim Scott!) The feedback should be focused on the item at hand. There are very special cases where a person's unique personality is the extenuating circumstance... we'll cover that in #4!

4) Connect the feedback to overall impact. A great motivator when we're dealing with a difficult personality is in connecting the feedback to how it's impacting their work. Say you have someone who isn't professional in their communication - ensure they understand that it impacts how others view them and could reduce their chance for promotion. Someone who is always running late? They need to know that when they're late, the entire meeting runs behind schedule - and, it signals that they're more important than their team members. Making small errors? It means someone else is having to review their work - in addition to their own. Most of us don't want to be making mistakes that harm others. By understanding that we're not an island of one, that we're part of a larger organism, it can help cement the learnings.

5) Create forward momentum. Either in the meeting - or directly after if we're working with someone who likes to take time and mull over what they learned - work together to find solutions. Some individuals will want to think and bring options to you. Others might want to work with you to improve. However works best for the individual you're working with is the best way forward.

Go deeper:

Check out the company Kim Scott built: Radical Candor​

Get the podcast: Radical Candor Podcast​

Still looking to develop a culture of feedback in your organization, or improve in giving and receiving feedback yourself?

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