How to have THAT crucial conversation you’ve been avoiding.
This post was originally shared in my semi-frequent Learn Something New(sletter). To never miss info like this, join the party! 🥳
Today’s topic is about one of my least favorite things: navigating tricky conflict-filled conversations.
They make me want to hide in a pillow of blankets and Gilmore Girls reruns.
It’s always easier said than done to disagree with an egomaniacal boss, to request a pay raise that feels six months overdue, to go into that VC meeting that you know is going to be a high stakes negotiation, or to finally bring up boundary setting with your partner.
Whatever THAT conversation is… it’s feeling pretty dang crucial. (Pun intended since we’re pulling from Crucial Conversations by Kerry Patterson & Joseph Grenny)
Before we can dive into the takeaway, let’s first highlight what makes a conversation crucial.
How to recognize it’s a crucial conversation:
Opinions vary - you think it’s time for a promotion, but that egomaniacal boss doesn’t
Stakes are high - the review cycle only comes around once a year, if we miss it this round it’s another 12 months of feeling underpaid
Emotions run strong - we’re feeling not only underpaid, but undervalued for the work that we bring to the table - if we can’t be recognized, why are we here anyway?!
What to do when you’re entering (or you’re already in! a crucial conversation)
Start with you - what do you really want in this chat? For yourself? For others? If that’s what you really want for everyone, how can we act like that’s the goal - instead of getting stuck in “winning” the chat. I.e. if the goal is financial compensation or recognition - that doesn’t always require a formal promotion. We can shift away from the black and white of no-promo, yes-promo. There are more options!
Recognize what’s coming up for you - are you in panic mode? Are you starting to lash out? To go silent? Pick up how you’re responding and if you’re not in dialogue, you’re in something else now. So let’s make sure we’re feeling safe.
Find safety - this is incredibly important. It’s okay to step away from the meat of the conversation, and ensure that we’re aligned on the ultimate goal. If we say to our boss, “look, I’ve been here for three years, and I’ve delivered in these specific ways. At the same time, I’d love to be recognized for the level that I’m operating on. Do you agree that I have been over performing? How can we find a way to recognize my contributions?” That sounds totally different than, “I deserve a raise. I’ve been here three years. If I don’t get one, I’m out!” Or potentially even worse… you say nothing. You wait for the promotion that never comes, and, the whole time become more and more angry that nothing has changed.
Clarify the story - in these tough chats, it’s hard to stay focused on the facts. We tell ourselves stories that can get mixed up. “I’m not getting promoted, but Julian who’s only been here a year is already doing that - they must be promoting him because they don’t support women here.” Now, that may be case because, you know, sexism. But, in this chat, something that can help is get clear. Share the facts as you see them. Explain the story that’s creating in your mind. Ask if there’s information or facts that you’re missing. Play together to find mutual respect and purpose.
Get it done - Maybe it turns out that your boss doesn’t have the ability to give out any promotions this year because of a bad quarter. So, what can we do to recognize you now - is it a spot bonus? The ability to lead a new project? A call-out with the CEO? And then, what do we need to do to make this next review cycle an easy choice to give you the next (or maybe next-next!) title and pay bump. Put together the plan, and collectively decide how you can both remain accountable to this goal.
Put it into practice now: my favorite takeaway was understanding that there’s a shared pool of meaning. By both parties sharing facts and information, collectively, we can make a better decision.
But if you’re feeling concerned about adding to the pool of meaning, or having that complex conversation, the best advice I saw here was to try on Contrasting.
Contrasting gives you a chance to say to the other person, “What I don’t want you to think is X, at the same time, I really want to talk about Y.”
What might that look like? “I don’t want you to think that I don’t enjoy my role here, I absolutely do, at the same time, I really want to talk about how I can be recognized for the value that I’m delivering. Is that something we can explore together?”
And now we’re entering into that pool of meaning together and the water temperature is just right.
Biggest whoa moment: “Twenty years of research involving more than 100,000 people reveals that THE key skill of effective leaders, teammates, parents, and loved ones is the capacity to skillfully address emotionally and politically risky issues.” Yeah… so… communication is important. Ugh.
Are you still struggling to get ready to have THAT chat? Talk to me and let’s get you ready.
Go deeper:
Read the book yourself: Crucial Conversations: Tools for Talking when the Stakes are High
Join one of their virtual courses: Crucial Learning